Do you ever wonder if you are totally messing your kids up!? I can’t be the only one. INTJ parents wonder about this a lot. Not because they’re bad parents but because their INTJ parenting style might be a little different than most.
INTJs are planners, problem-solvers, and high achievers. They are not big on talking about their feelings or anyone else’s, but they are loyal and always willing to help others.
These characteristics carry over into the INTJ parenting style.
INTJ Personality Type
INTJ is one of the eight introverted personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. INTJs are analytical thinkers who love finding innovative solutions to solve complex problems.
They are typically highly logical, intelligent people who have a hard time discussing emotions.
Characteristics of INTJ Parenting
Analytical and Strategic
INTJ parents take an analytical and strategic approach to parenting. They often think years ahead and plan for every stage of their child’s life. And please believe every stage has been thoroughly researched.
A lot of parents are more free-flowing with their child rearing. However, an INTJ parent function is to be prepared and ensure success for each stage of parenting.
It sounds intense, but it comes from a place of deep love. The more they love someone – and it can’t get any deeper than a parent’s love – the more they want to show up for them as a dutiful parent.
Independent and Self-Reliant
INTJs are notoriously independent. So, unsurprisingly, the INTJ parenting style emphasizes independence and self-reliance in their children.
This doesn’t mean they don’t help them or provide guidance. However, INTJ parents would focus on teaching their children how to do things for themselves and learn from their mistakes.
Introverted Nature
INTJ parents are introverts first and foremost. INTJ introverts may be one of the most aloof quiet types of all. They tend to be over-analyzers and consequently spend a lot of time in their heads.
And, as with many introverts, they have a high preference for alone time and quiet, low-stimulus activities. If you have kids, know any kids, or even just have been around one for longer than a few minutes, you know this IS NOT their vibe. 😂
However, a key INTJ parenting function is teaching their child how to respect their need for quiet, alone time. Often, INTJ parents do this by teaching their children how to enjoy playing solo – even if just for short periods – so they can get a break.
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Struggles of INTJ Parenting
They are perceived to be cold and distant.
Sadly, Wallflowers, this is a common misconception about introverts in general. Nothing could be further from the truth. Don’t get me wrong, they do like their space.
INTJ parents have a high need for solitude so they can recharge the huge amounts of energy used for parenting.
This doesn’t mean INTJ parents are cold or distant. Quite the opposite! When they are present with their kids, they are fully there and giving 1,000%. INTJ personality types take this approach to everything they do, and parenting is no different.
However, this does mean their recharge time is absolutely critical for them to continue showing up this way without having an introvert meltdown.
They prioritize logic over emotion.
I think the challenge with this lies mostly in developmental stages. INTJs are not comfortable talking about their emotions. And they don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about yours, either.
Unfortunately, for INTJ parents this is unavoidable. Especially in the little kid stages when healthy emotional attachment is key. Children in their younger years need a lot of emotional support to feel secure. Also, they are in a stage when they are learning a lot about emotions and how to manage them.
The INTJ tendency to use logic in every situation presents a challenge when raising small children who haven’t come to fully understand logic yet.
However, the logical INTJ parenting style becomes a strength when raising teenagers and transitioning to adult parent-child relationships.
They will still have to deal with all the feelings, but their child will begin to understand them better and, thereby, be better able to relate to them.
They have high expectations for achievement.
INTJ introverts are high achievers with a strong work ethic. They pride themselves on this. Of course, they would expect nothing less for their children. The challenge for INTJ parents is learning balance, so they push their children enough to excel without pushing them away altogether.
Also, INTJ parents value intellectual curiosity. They love learning and mastering whatever they are learning. Their children might not have quite the same level of intensity with everything. So, rather than imposing their high standards on them, INTJ parents have to learn to be adaptable when their children want to change course.
Strengths of INTJ Parenting
They encourage critical thinking and problem-solving.
INTJs are problem-solvers by nature. It’s how they figure out the world around them, including their personal relationships. Their analytical skills are a strength they rely on often, and that holds a lot of value for their usefulness in their everyday lives.
Using critical thinking and problem-solving are skills INTJ parents feel are critically important to teach their children. INTJ parents will encourage critical, independent thinking in their children as well as being good listeners and great leaders. These are traits that INTJs use to find success professionally and personally.
They promote individuality and uniqueness.
The INTJ parenting style celebrates individuality because they question societal norms. And when those norms don’t make sense to them, they go their own way. They place far more emphasis on function and logic rather than popular sentiment.
Teaching this to their children helps them ensure they are independent thinkers who question the world around them. This type of skill will help their children develop innovative ideas and find career paths they are best fit for.
They can teach independence and self-discipline.
INTJ parents spent much of their pre-parenting lives being independent and disciplined, so it’s second nature to teach this to their children.
INTJ parenting includes raising independent children whom they teach to do things for themselves from an early age. Additionally, they applaud them when they see them applying learned skills and taking the initiative to learn new ones.
Tips for Partners of INTJ Parents
Practice good communication and understanding.
It’s important to communicate effectively with a partner who is an INTJ parent. Open communication is important but DON’T surprise or bombard them with long conversations about emotions. DO let them know if you have an idea, problem, or concern. Then, give them time to process and prepare for a conversation.
It’s important they feel you understand and value their perspective and decision-making process. Try demonstrating that you do understand and don’t hesitate to ask a lot of questions if you need to understand better. Questions are a good thing for INTJs and will help you find common ground as parents.
Make sure you’re parenting together.
You both bring strengths and weaknesses to the table. Typically, parenting couples balance this out in each other, so look for ways to be helpful to one another. This way, your children have an opportunity to see that their parents are not perfect while also getting the best of both of you.
It’s also important to make sure you’re both on the same page. The best way to do this is by making a plan for how to address different situations, such as discipline, potty training, activities, etc.
Parenting Tips for INTJ Parents
Balance logic with emotional connection.
Your very logical mind will make you a pro at handling all the planning, details, and administrative tasks that go along with raising children.
However, don’t forget they need emotional support and connection from you, too. This is especially true for moms whose nurturing has been found to strengthen brain growth in their kids and have lasting positive benefits into adulthood.
Your children will expect and seek these emotional needs from you daily, so find small ways you can routinely show them empathy and emotional connection without feeling overwhelmed.
Be flexible in your parenting style.
I know this whole article is about the INTJ parenting style, but being flexible with this style will help you accommodate different personalities in your kids. Your kiddo might not be an INTJ. In fact, it’s more likely they won’t be.
So, it becomes very important for an INTJ parent to practice being flexible in the style of parenting they use. This doesn’t mean changing your entire personality but being open to adapting to your child’s needs based on the situation.
Remember your own needs.
It is critically important that you remember to take time for yourself as an INTJ parent. Parenting is a lot. As an introvert mom myself, I completely understand how draining and demanding it can be.
Please remember to find ways to incorporate the space and quiet time you need to recharge, Wallflower! It’s the only way you will be able to consistently show up the way you need to for your kids.
Closing Thoughts
INTJ parenting has a lot of challenges but also a lot of strengths that will benefit your children for years and years to come. Your unique perspective and approach as an INTJ parent are valuable to your children and the world.
Make sure you operate in your strengths, get help with your weaknesses, and remember to take care of yourself. Always remember that no one can be better at being your kids’ mom than YOU!
Common Questions
Do INTJs make good parents?
INTJs make amazing parents. Like all parents, INTJs have strengths and weaknesses to overcome, but INTJ parents are well-equipped to raise children who are equally skilled at being great problem-solvers and making healthy connections.
What is an INTJ mom like?
An INTJ mom teaches her children to be independent, logical thinkers who are self-reliant but enjoy helping others. INTJ moms may find it difficult to navigate the emotional side of raising children but are more than capable of doing so by leveraging their other strengths, such as planning and being a good listener.
