Have you ever heard of Sisyphus? Greek mythology has it that his punishment was pushing a large boulder up a large hill only to watch it roll back down and have to start all over again. He did this over and over and over, forever. And that’s what INFJ dating feels like sometimes. 😂
Read on to learn more about INFJs, why dating is exhausting for them, and some tips for making it better.
What is an INFJ?
INFJ is one of 16 personality types identified in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. An INFJ personality type is commonly thought of as a walking contradiction.
This rare type of introvert processes life with both logic and emotion. They are very intuitive about other people’s emotions and sometimes have difficulty sorting out their own.
Additionally, they are idealists who hold very strong opinions about the world and how it should be.
Furthermore, like most introverts, they look for depth and meaning in relationships and have little patience for surface-level conversation.
How Do You Know If You’re an INFJ?
There are a few characteristics that are telltale signs of INFJs. If you identified with these, you might just be an INFJ.
They are Big Dreamers. As idealists, INFJ have big dreams about how to make the world a better place. They hold strong values and opinions about what’s right and will work toward making things that way.
They are Servant Leaders. INFJs are organized which makes them have good leadership qualities. They are also natural helpers so serving others and volunteering comes easily to them, especially for those they care about.
They Follow Their Heart. INFJs are very passionate about what’s important to them. They hold a lot of care and concern for other’s feelings.
They are adept at reading people’s emotions and are highly influenced by them. At times they will even make decisions based on how it will make someone else feel.
Now, what happens when you take these introvert characteristics and throw them into the dating game?
Why is INFJ Dating Exhausting?
Dating is exhausting for INFJs mostly because it is a constant push and pull of managing their unique personality traits. Casual dating doesn’t really lend itself to these traits.
Deep relationships do but, unfortunately, you have to get through dating first. Here are a few reasons why INFJs find that challenging.
Dating requires a lot of small talk.
Small talk is unavoidable when dating. It’s a requisite start to getting to know someone new. For INFJs – and most introverts for that matter – small talk is painfully awkward. INFJs thrive in deep conversation.
However, it would be weird to start there on a first date. Trying to figure out what to say next or feigning interest in the latest weather forecast is draining and frankly boring for INFJ types.
INFJs come on too strong.
INFJs are looking for deep and meaningful relationships. They want someone they can discuss their worldview and ideals with. Since this is their ultimate goal, they may try to skip over the initial pleasantries and dive right in.
This can be offputting for some people. And I’ve noticed, for black women in particular, this is sometimes perceived as aggressive or thirsty. 🙄
INFJs can be judgemental.
INFJs have a strong perspective on the way the world should be and a strong drive to make it that way. They can sometimes be a little judgy around someone with differing views about the world.
They can be equally judgy about someone with a lack of ambition to impact the world around them.
INFJs have high standards.
INFJs desire someone who can share their ambition for serving and making the world a better place. Someone who accepts the world as is with no feeling of responsibility for it probably won’t make the cut.
Additionally, INFJs hold people they care about in high regard and they expect the same in return. If they feel like they are not a priority, you may end up on the receiving end of an INFJ door slam.
The plus side of this is they will always be there to help you and will be very careful with your feelings.
INFJs are a walking mood ring.
INFJs are very good at reading other people’s emotions and they are extremely empathetic. Dating involves a lot of emotions. Reading someone else’s emotions and trying to manage your own is exhausting.
It’s difficult to communicate their emotions.
INFJs are indeed more focused on the emotional needs of others. This makes it difficult for them to understand their own at times. If they are still trying to figure out their emotions, it’s difficult to share them with someone else.
Ways to Make INFJ Dating Better
That’s a lot about why dating is challenging for INFJs. Here are a few ways to make it a little easier.
Take Your Time
INFJs like to move past the awkward beginning and get to the good stuff. The best thing for you to do is pump the brakes.
It may not be your favorite part but taking quality time to truly get to know someone will save you frustration in your love life later.
Additionally, it will give you time to understand your feelings about that person, and whether you want to go deep with them at all.
Don’t Date Back-to-Back
Speaking of giving yourself time, dating back-to-back is probably not going to allow you to do that. INFJs do much better when they give themselves time in between relationships.
It helps them to sort out their emotions and feel settled before getting to know someone new. Plus, this is the best way to make sure you’re not ignoring your own needs for personal space and alone time to recharge.
Prepare Talking Points
This tip will help you get through the inevitable small talk. Prep for dates! Is that weird? It doesn’t matter. You know why? Because no one has to know how you prepare for a date.
So, go ahead. Have some talking points and some questions to ask the other person ready to go.
And speaking of talking points, a great first date idea is something simple and boring like coffee or a walk in the park. This gives a lot of time for meaningful conversations.
It’s also a great way to assess important points that will help you decide if you’d like to pursue future dates.
Be Accepting
Practice accepting different perspectives. It doesn’t mean you have to agree or change your perspective, but being respectful of others’ viewpoints goes a long way. Find a way to allow yourself to disagree without feeling offended.
Build Your Communication Toolbag
Good communication is important to any healthy relationship. It’s hard to have good communication at the beginning of romantic relationships but it’s still important.
It’s worth the time to learn different methods of effective communication. Particularly for INFJs who tend to follow their passions and their emotions.
Communicating those things in a way that others can receive it helps to find common ground and mutual respect.
Tools that come to mind are listening to understand, rephrasing, and patience just to name a few.
Learn to Compromise
While learning to communicate, learn to compromise. This can be hard for someone with such strongly held views and passions but you can do it. The benefit will be learning to support your new friend and opening yourself up to learning new things.
Real-World Examples
I know all this sounds theoretical until you try it in “the wild” so I put together a few real-world examples to help you visualize how some of these tips could play out.
The Family Cookout
Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a few months and they ask you to attend a family cookout. Parents and aunties and small talk, oh my! Don’t panic.
Remember to move at your own pace. Sort out your feelings and decide if you’re ready for the cookout. Which, particularly for black families, can be intense for us quiet types regarding the social energy required.
If you’re really into this person and you do want to know more about him, his upbringing, and his people, then go. But go prepared.
It’s a good idea to have your mental talking points ready, practice good communication, and work out a signal with your partner for when you’re drained and ready to go.
Say What!!??
Imagine you and your new partner are talking after a romantic dinner and before you know it, he lets something incredibly rude or offensive fall out of his mouth. And I don’t mean food.
You can tell by how he said it and his expression that he doesn’t even realize it bothered you. This is a point where INFJs tend to bottle things up by fuming on the inside and suddenly needing to leave. But, wait!
It’s much better to communicate how it made you feel. After all, your partner probably didn’t intend to offend you. However, most likely they will do it again unless you tell them how you feel.
Step out, take a deep breath, and identify your feelings first if you need to, but make sure you come back and gently address the comment. Considerate partners care about the little things because they add up to big things.
This is especially true for an INFJ’s partner if they want to be in a serious relationship.
Different Viewpoints
You have an argument with a friend and share it with your partner who is full of suggestions on how to handle the situation. Although he’s trying to be helpful, you know this isn’t how you would handle things at all.
This happens to me and my husband all the time. We differ on how we would say or do something in a given situation.
Unless this is something life-shattering, it’s best to just accept that you approach things differently and keep it moving.
Don’t fall into the trap of trying to change each other. Just appreciate the help and accept the differences as a strength instead of a weakness.
Closing Thoughts
INFJ dating is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of patience, self-confidence, and bravery to be out in the dating game these days – especially as an INFJ.
However, dating is an opportunity for personal growth. Understanding more about yourself and your personality traits helps.
It also helps to know what you need, prepare in advance, and be open to learning and growing along the way. It will all seem worth it once you meet a compatible partner and find true love.
Now, I sound like a Disney movie. But you get what I mean. 😉
Common Questions
Is dating hard for an INFJ?
Yes. It’s challenging to overcome their natural tendencies to follow their strongly held views and passions. It’s also challenging to navigate their feelings because they are so attuned to other people’s feelings.
However, with a little practice and preparation, INFJs can make dating a little easier for themselves.
How do INFJs approach dating?
INFJs can sometimes approach dating at a fast pace because they are eager to get past the first step where there’s small talk and awkwardness. Most INFJs thrive in a deep and meaningful relationship.
However, INFJs would do well to give themselves time to know enough about someone before deciding if they want to form a deeper connection.
Additionally, they should give themselves time to sort out their own feelings before progressing with potential partners.
