Do you know what it’s like to experience an INFJ door slam? Picture this.
Imagine standing outside on a hot summer day, eyes closed, enjoying a cold popsicle. The cool ice is quenching your thirst and drying the beads of sweat on your temple.
The sweet, fruit-flavored juices are giving you renewed energy to enjoy the rest of your day despite the heat.
Then, without warning, your half-eaten popsicle slides off its wooden holder and falls to the ground. You open your eyes to find a beige, ovular stick where your cool treat used to be.
And no idea where the thing you were enjoying so much went or even when it left. You’re only left with the memory of what was and the confusion of what happened.
That is what an INFJ door slam feels like!
What is an INFJ Door Slam?
INFJ Personality Type. INFJ is one of 16 personality types identified in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator – a popular personality test. People with INFJ personalities are both logical and emotional.
They value close relationships and place a lot of emphasis on the needs of others and the world around them. Here’s a complete guide to understanding this rare introvert personality type.
Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor and Nobel Peace Prize Winner, said “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
The INFJ door slam illustrates this. There’s a popular phrase that an INFJ doesn’t just leave you, they “nothing” you. When an INFJ slams the door they cut off all connection with someone.
Yes, all connection – physical and emotional. It’s almost as if they disappeared.
I know where your mind is going but hold on. Door slamming is different than ghosting. Ghosting is a popular culture, albeit rude, trend where people date someone a couple of times and then decide not to speak to them anymore because they’re no longer interested.
An INFJ door slam happens gradually over time. It’s the product of an existing and often deep hurt in a relationship. It’s unique to introverts and I feel all introverts have the capacity to do this.
I’ve done it before and I’m not an INFJ. INFJs are just more known for it because, for this type of introvert, door slams seem to be more frequent and intense.
Why Does an INFJ Door Slam Happen?
An INFJ door slam usually happens when there has been deep hurt in a relationship. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic relationship for the result to be the same.
However, it’s more likely to occur in close connections such as close friends or family rather than casual acquaintances.
Toxic behavior can exist and cause harm in any type of relationship. Romantic relationships are just a particular case where the emotional pain causing a door slam is more common.
Another example is a one-sided relationship where the INFJ feels undervalued or misunderstood.
Feeling understood and heard is not easy for INFJs. Being in a relationship in which the other person dismisses them rather than trying to understand them leads to the type of shutdown that happens with a door slam.
Another biggie is when the INFJ’s trust is betrayed or their natural compassion and helpfulness has been taken advantage of. These two in particular can lead to a breaking point for INFJs and ultimately the door being slammed.
Stages of the INFJ Door Slam
An INFJ door slam is usually not instant. It’s not something that happens after one bad fight or an accidental slight like forgetting to text them back. It’s a gradual process that happens over time unbeknownst to the other person.
Here are the stages of the INFJ door slam that happen over time. Note: these are not “official” terms but they are terms I’ve found to be descriptive of each stage.
Turtling
Turtling is when the INFJ slowly starts to retreat into themselves rather than engaging in conflict or repeatedly trying to explain themselves. They become quieter and more dismissive in an effort to end the conversation faster.
Fixing
The INFJ is determined to “fix” the situation at this stage. This might mean using logic and trying to express their feelings in a relatable way. They may even try to create boundaries to protect their feelings or prevent future conflict.
Emotional Door Slam
Emotional door slam is pivotal because at this stage the INFJ has decided to stop trying. They are more focused on protecting themselves by preventing further hurt.
It starts with reducing their emotional engagement with the person. At this point, they are there but less interested in nurturing a healthy relationship with that person.
The INFJ will often stay at this stage with people who are unavoidable such as a family member or coworker. They have to interact with them regularly but they will keep them at an emotional distance.
For others they do not have to interact with, they will move to the next stage if the conflict worsens.
Physical Door Sam
Physical door slam is the closest stage to ghosting for an INFJ door slam. This means the INFJ has cut off all communication with the person. Again, as a protective factor, they are essentially acting as if that person no longer exists to them.
The other person becomes keenly aware of the damage that’s been done in the relationship at this stage.
Nothingness
Nothingness is when the INFJ has reached both an emotional and physical door slam. They are trying their best to remove you from their lives. Nothingness usually occurs when the relationship has become very toxic or seems irreparable.
This may seem like an extreme reaction but remember INFJs slam doors because it seems like the only solution to a hurtful relationship. At the end of the day INFJs door slams are about them protecting themselves and their mental health.
Signs You’ve Been Door Slammed
Is this starting to sound familiar? Here’s how to know if you’ve been on the receiving end of an INFJ door slam.
Extreme courtesy or politeness. These are often used to mask the internal door slam stages happening inside the INFJ. It’s an effort to keep things normal to prevent further conflict while internally the INFJ has started detaching from the person emotionally.
Giving in or easy concession. Giving in or conceding too easily during a discussion or argument is a sign the INFJ has chosen not to care. They are reserving the energy it requires to explain themselves because they believe it won’t make a difference.
Additionally, they are protecting themselves from being hurt when the other person doesn’t understand them or doesn’t care to.
Disappearing act. Another big sign you’ve experienced an INFJ door slam is you simply can’t find or get a hold of them. They aren’t responding to calls or texts in the same way or at all. And they are intentionally avoiding seeing you.
Is the INFJ Door Slam Right and How to Prevent It
The INFJ door slam feels right for the introvert because they are doing it to protect themselves. However, it’s probably not the healthiest way of addressing conflict unless they are in an unsafe situation.
A better approach involves communication and giving the other a fair chance for personal growth and repair of the relationship.
Prevention
Preventing an INFJ door slam from happening requires knowing the signs, patience, and good communication.
If you are fortunate enough to have a relationship with an INFJ, it behooves you to recognize the signs of an approaching INFJ door slam. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Just pay attention to their behavior.
If you notice them withdrawing or becoming quieter in conversation, ask a few questions about how they’re feeling and how you can understand better. Additionally, have patience with your INFJ. The worst thing you can do is make your misunderstanding of them their fault.
Try to think about things from their perspective. Constantly having to explain what you’re feeling and what you’re thinking is frustrating. Especially, if you’re an extrovert because what introverts are feeling and thinking are often very different than what you are feeling and thinking.
Trying to understand what your person is feeling always makes for a better relationship. You can be sure your INFJ will spend a lot of time trying to understand yours. Placing a high value on other people’s emotions is one of many INFJ traits.
Furthermore, in addition to patience, be sure to employ good communication skills. Many relationships, including one with an INFJ, can be saved by practicing good communication. Be open, be honest, and listen to understand rather than respond.
A Note About a Couple of Colloquialisms
A lot of common sayings or catchphrases we use, especially black folks, are born out of hurt or an attempt to protect ourselves. They’ve just become so common we don’t think about where they came from or what they mean.
The Ride or Die Chic
This is a common notion about a woman who will stick around for anything, no matter what. I get the sentiment but, unfortunately, many unhealthy (and unsafe) relationships are perpetuated behind this phrase.
If you are not being treated well, a door slam is more than appropriate. It may even be the first step to seeking help if abuse is involved.
Don’t Play ‘Dat
Conversely, this phrase is an excuse many people have used to not try in relationships. We should all have healthy boundaries but if you are going to maintain a healthy relationship with someone, you must also have grace.
Being in a relationship is a growth opportunity for both people. We should allow each other space to grow by learning about the other person and ourselves.
Is the Door Slam Permanent?
An INFJ door slam doesn’t have to be permanent but it will take a lot of work to undo it. Additionally, you’ll have to find a way to be patient and to show that person you’re willing to listen and try to understand them better.
However, I must mention sometimes a door slam should be permanent. As I mentioned before, in the case of abuse or toxic relationships, that door is meant to stay closed.
How Do I Reopen the Door
Avoid further harm.
The INFJ door slam is a defense mechanism. Typically INFJ people slam the door because they felt misunderstood or were afraid their feelings would be hurt.
Avoiding further harm is key if there’s any hope of reopening the door. Identify what caused them to feel this way and stop doing it to avoid further harm.
Respect their boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are important for healthy relationships. If you have violated their boundaries at any point, start by apologizing for that and then respect them going forward. If you don’t know what their boundaries are, ask them.
Be honest and accountable.
If you’re reopening an INFJ door slam, it’s not the time to hedge your feelings. Be open and honest about why you want to reopen the door. Presumably, this person means a lot to you so you should tell them that.
Additionally, hold yourself accountable for whatever caused the door to slam. Have an open conversation about things you both can do to strengthen communication in the relationship.
Work to rebuild trust and a safe space.
Trust is easily broken and takes time to rebuild. It is worth the effort though so be patient as you rebuild trust with your INFJ. The best way to do so is to create a safe space in the relationship.
You can do this by being open and honest, respecting their boundaries, and trying to understand things from their perspective.
Closing Thoughts
Do INFJs really shut people out by slamming the door? Yes, but for good reasons. Ultimately, an INFJ door slam is a protective factor. There are usually stages and signs along the way.
The door slam doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent but it takes a lot of work and patience to reopen.
The best ways to prevent a door slam are to listen to your introvert, try to understand from their perspective and practice good communication. Even if you don’t get them right away, ask questions until you do.
Common Questions
What is the INFJ door slam?
An INFJ door slam is a protective factor that happens gradually over time and is the product of an existing and often deep hurt in a relationship. It’s when an introvert detaches emotionally and often physically from someone.
Is the INFJ door slam healthy?
The INFJ door slam feels right for the introvert because they are doing it to protect themselves. However, it’s probably not the healthiest way of addressing conflict unless they are in an unsafe situation.
Is the INFJ door slam permanent?
An INFJ door slam doesn’t have to be permanent but it will take a lot of work to undo it.
What is the darkest side of INFJ?
Most people consider the door slam the darkest part of an INFJ. However, it’s merely a coping mechanism. People have different ways of coping with hurt and this is just one way often used by INFJs.
