“Oh, yeah, the quiet one. She never talks.” Have you ever said that (extrovert) or felt that (introvert)? Why are introverts misunderstood?
Wait, I know why. And I’ll tell you.
People and Connection
Everyone needs some social interactions with other people. Most people connect in much the same way. Studies have found that most people find friends, family, and neighbors to be a key source of information, regardless of age, political party, race, or ethnicity.
Women relate to each other even better. Or, at least, most of America seems to think so. About ⅔ of Americans think all-female social groups have a positive impact on women’s well-being and society in general.
Black people find a sense of community by being connected to each other. About 76% of Black Americans say being Black is an important part of their identity. Additionally, when something happens to Black people locally or abroad, they believe it impacts their lives as well.
Black women sit at the intersection of these things, and that includes Black women introverts. The biggest reason introverts are misunderstood is that people assume they are drastically different from everyone else.
Introverts are different, but not to the extent most people think. They make connections like everyone else, they just do it based on who they are.
Who Are Introverts?
There are eight introverted personality types based on the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator assessment.
All people fall somewhere on the introversion-extroversion spectrum, but these eight personalities are further on the introvert side and share a lot of similar characteristics.
Introverts are the quiet types of the world. People with an introverted personality type have limited social energy. They are drained when they spend time in social situations and need quiet time alone to recharge. This is their defining personality trait and the big difference between them and their extroverted peers.
Introverts prefer low-stimulus environments and small groups of people rather than large crowds. They are deep thinkers, great listeners, and they love having meaningful conversations versus random small talk. Additionally, they mostly prefer their own company and that of close friends or family.
Why Are Introverts Misunderstood?
They seem pretty straightforward, right? So, why are introverts misunderstood? Take a look at these most common reasons.
Extroversion is popular.
All the cool kids are extroverts! At least that’s what society would have you think. Extroverted personality types have always been seen as more attractive, more engaging, more … just more.
Extroverted individuals are typically the loudest and most gregarious, and therefore get the most attention.
So, when people see introverts, they automatically stand out as weird or less than because their introvert qualities don’t match the extrovert ideal.
Introverts focus on thoughts more than words.
Introverts are quiet types. They spend far more time in their own heads than they do engaging with the world around them. Introverts think a lot and use words sparingly.
Basically, if an introvert doesn’t have anything meaningful to say, they won’t say anything at all. However, there is an ocean of thoughts happening inside their minds.
This can obviously make it hard for people to connect with them. Or, it might be better to say it just takes a little more effort than most people prefer to give.
Introverts have a need for alone time.
Alone time is critical for introverts. Again, with extroverted traits as the model, it’s hard to understand people who prefer a lot of time alone.
Introverts are often misunderstood to be lonely or shy when, truly, they’re just taking time to recharge. And, again, they prefer what’s going on in their own head to what’s going on around them.
Introverts are socially selective.
Since introverts have a finite amount of social energy, they are very selective about who they spend their energy on. This doesn’t make them bougie or standoffish or any other negative stereotypes I’ve heard used to describe them. This is a common misconception.
It means they’re being intentional about how they use their energy and the time they have to be social. This energy and time are usually spent on people who are closest to them or people they find interesting and would like to learn more about on a deeper level.
Introverts are happy wallflowers.
The biggest misunderstanding about introverts is that they struggle with who they are, or they are somehow trapped by their own personality. Nothing could be further from the truth!
I’m here to tell you that most introverts are quite happy being their wonderful, quiet selves. That is the whole reason why I started The Happy Wallflower – to celebrate introverts and their amazing personalities, and to help them live their best introvert lives.
The Misunderstanding of Black Women Introverts
Black women introverts are at the intersection of three identities that are often misunderstood – Black people, women, and introverts.
Black people are misunderstood by mainstream, White society regularly. Women are misunderstood by pretty much everyone – their peers, society, and especially men.
Because of this, Black women find community and camaraderie by spending time with other Black women. This does not mean they don’t have relationships with all kinds of people, but there is something special they gain from deeper connections with other Black women.
This connection often comes with an expectation for certain social etiquette and extroverted type familiarity.
Black women introverts feel and crave connection with other Black women, but don’t often express it in popular ways. This expressive difference can sometimes lead to them being misunderstood by the larger society and by their own community.
How to Better Understand Introverts
At this point, you probably feel all hope for understanding introverts is completely lost. 😂 Not so, my friend. Here are a few ways to start better understanding the introverts in your life.
Pay attention when they do talk.
As I said, introverts don’t talk a lot, but when they do, it’s worth paying attention to. They’ve probably thought long and hard about what they wanted to say before saying it.
And if they do start talking a lot, then you’ve done or said something that’s got their interest. So, feel free to dive into the deep end right along with them.
Do a little research.
Do a little research to find out more about introverts and their personality. Knowing how they like to interact with others – or don’t, for that matter – would be very helpful for building a healthy relationship with them.
It is also very important to understand how they gain and lose social energy. If for no other reason than it would help you understand why they just get up and leave sometimes, lol.
Great news! If you want to start learning more about introverts and their personality, you’re already on your way! This site is dedicated to just that! So, poke around at a few more articles before you go to learn more about my fellow introverts, and share it with your introvert friends. 😊
Be open to different ways of getting to know them.
Sometimes, the most challenging thing about being around people for introverts is the pressure to talk the whole time. I’ll bet the introverts in your life would be more open to sharing about themselves if there were ways to break up the amount of talking. So, be open to a different way of getting to know them.
Think of activities such as a shared hobby that you could work on together, but not have to talk a lot while doing so. Another alternative way of connecting is through writing. For example, text messaging makes it easier to check in with people without interrupting their space or home.
I’m not suggesting these activities are sufficient alone to fully understand someone. However, they are examples of ways to learn more about an introverted individual without forcing them out of their comfort zone. So, give it a try the next time you want to hang out with your quiet friend.
Three Ways for Extroverts to Connect With Your Introvert
Extroverts are often very confused about introverts in general, but especially about how to relate to them. Here are a few tips if you’re an extrovert who’s interested in having meaningful connections with an introvert in your life.
Let them take the lead.
Don’t let the quietness fool you, introverts can be very fun if given a chance. Let your introvert friend take the lead by choosing what you’ll do and for how long. That way, they can moderate things in a way they know they’ll be comfortable with.
Pro tip: give them a heads up if you’d like to do this. This will give them time to come up with some ideas and not have to be flustered trying to figure something out on the spot.
Be open to quieter activities.
Extroverts thrive in high-stimulus environments. Your introvert friend does not! In fact, the louder and larger the crowd, the more energy it takes for them to participate.
Help an introvert out by switching it up sometimes to a quieter activity. Movies, dinner, theater, hiking, all things you can enjoy with them without a lot of “people noise” or interactions.
Get to know them and respect who they are.
One of the biggest reasons why introverts are misunderstood is that people keep expecting them to behave like extroverts.
The biggest thing you can do as their friend is gain a greater understanding of their personality, respect who they are, and embrace it as something different than yours.
If you can do that, you’ll find a wonderful, interesting, and loyal person to have in your life.
Closing Thoughts
I hope this answers the question “Why are introverts misunderstood?” for you. It’s mostly because extroversion is what’s popular and celebrated, and introverts aren’t that.
However, they are great people to know if you spend enough time with them. It just may take a little more effort to get to know them, but it is well worth it!
So, if you are an introvert reading this, let this serve as permission to let your introvert flag fly without shame. ✊🏾
If you are an extrovert reading this, let this serve as a challenge to step outside your norm and experience a quieter version of life. You won’t regret it!
